"If you want to do something safe and without risk, you won’t ever create anything meaningful."
Absolutely true. As soon as you do anything, you've given people something to criticize. So the safest thing to do if I want to be free from risk and rejection is never create.
I found Seth Godin's book, The Icarus Deception, helpful in addressing some of these fears and insecurities in my creative journey. Thanks for sharing and letting me learn from yours. 💛
Relate to a lot of this (even the university I work for posting certain pieces that I didn’t realize they would pick up). I definitely just slow it down now and think about why I want to publish things. It takes me longer to get something out but I feel less regret about pieces than I did when starting out.
Thanks for this, Anna!! I loved your reference to ERP and can totally relate. I actually feel called to write about one of my OCD themes -- the scariest one for me -- but I worry so, so much about how people will perceive it. Sharing my story publicly feels like the ultimate form of exposure. But I also wonder ... am I ready to share? How will I know when I've fully "processed" it? Glennon Doyle has talked about the difference between things that are private and things that are sacred. I'm honestly not sure what this one is ...
Anyway, I also wrote a few pieces for Conz in 2024 (and have another in the works!) and am so encouraged to hear that you've had success with other publications over such a short period of time! I have high hopes for 2025 :)
I love that discussion of the difference between the private and the sacred. And I also totally relate to the desire to write about mental health struggles, and the difficulty in knowing if that disclosure will be good for me. Time (and time away) from a draft is the biggest thing that has helped clarify those questions for me. Thank you so much for reading and for your kind comment!
Ha!! I was about to quote the same thing that Christa quoted. That was gold. This whole piece was. Thank you for sharing all of this. I relate so hard!!! Especially after putting "new boobs" in my subtitle as a joke yesterday that I don't think anyone got or made it to the very bottom of my newsletter to understand. I was laughing so much over it. It felt very "me" to do something like that, but the crickets were making me regret it until I read this. It very much aligns with my why to do something like that, so I should just own it, whether people get the joke or outwardly share their laughter with me or not.
I thought your “new boobs” subtitle was great! I knew the joke was coming — and I could totally hear your voice. And I also very much relate to getting in my own head about a reference. Thanks for always being so encouraging, Brit!
I have just started out with writing essays so I don’t really have any writer’s regret. Yet.
Being vulnerable is scary for me too, in person and in writing. I think it’s because I don’t want to get anything wrong, (not sure what it is I’ll get wrong), but yeah. This post is an encouragement, I just need to start.
I completely relate to the desire to “not get anything wrong.” I’ve long had a fear of saying something in writing — and then changing my mind (because I change my mind a lot). But that’s what human beings who are growing do. And it’s okay to document that process on the page (this is how I coach myself).
Love this idea of not being too precious, exposure therapy, and resisting restraint (see what I did there?) I do have a few regrets: one timely essay in a national outlet that became (at the editor's request) a mashup of two disparate topics (the piece, also turned around within hours made no sense whatsoever) and another where I kind of regretted the outlet itself (Indeed: it folded very quickly) Mostly, I've had great experiences (and only a few vulnerability hangovers)
I totally see what you did! ;) I think that with increased wisdom and exposure, the vulnerability hangovers decrease (at least, that’s what I’m hoping for myself). :)
One of the first things I wrote here was about the vulnerability hangover, that intense regret you get after sharing something personal, and why I was going to write, anyway. In hindsight, I think I was trying to convince myself it was okay (exposure therapy, maybe?) and I love your thoughts around connecting it to your greater why. Cheers to navigating the murky waters of oversharing vs. sharing just enough!
Love this! Thank you, Anna, There is one essay I should regret publishing that went viral with over a million views. Even with thousands of hateful comments and family members not talking to me, I just can’t bring myself to regret this piece, because it also made thousands of people feel seen and not alone. We write to not only help understand ourselves, but also to help others do the same. I won’t let someone’s hurt ego stop me from doing what I believe is right.
I love this perspective, Andrea, about not regretting something that had some “bad” outcomes — because alongside that, so much good happened too. This is wonderful! Thanks for sharing.
Thanks so much for sharing this, Anna. I've been reading your newsletter for a bit and really appreciate your honesty in this writing journey, especially the details like the actual pitch letter and the payment. It's like nothing else I've seen anywhere, so helpful and useful and generous to share. I'm sorry this one piece is one you wish you hadn't published. As you say, "If you want to do something safe and without risk, you won’t ever create anything meaningful. " I have the same desire to protect myself, bu that often means I simply avoid writing altogether, which is not an ideal outcome wither. I have a sign on my wall by artist Lisa Congdon that says "Every Mistake is Progress." I try to take that to heart, but it's hard!
For writer self-care practices, I wonder about countering the negative voices with the positive. Our minds naturally go to the negative, naturally hold onto them longer; research shows we have negative bias. What if you printed out many of the notes of gratitude you've likely received over the past few years, and made that front and center in your writing spot? I wonder if having it visible would help tilt the tendency of the inner voice and rewrite the narrative. Just a thought — please ignore if it's not useful!
This is so incredibly kind, Brianne. Thank you for such encouragement. And I absolutely love the idea of putting the kind words of others on immediate display so that when my mind (which absolutely does veer toward the negative) goes to dark places, I can find encouragement from others. This is such a smart, thoughtful idea.
I appreciate you reading so much! Thank you for this uplifting comment.
I’ve certainly regretted pieces I’ve written that I wouldn’t write today, or that I’d have a more thoughtful and self-reflective approach to. But I find time and patience with more of an ability to pause before I write something especially personal and let it bake more, has been useful. And not every experience has to be mined and made public.
I go back to Vivian Gornick a lot. Cheryl Stayed has written a lot about her creative choices to write or not write about an experience. But then there’s Rick Rubin counterbalancing this with his advice to put on blinders and just create.
Yes, absolutely — time and patience is something that is so important (I’m grateful that books take so long to be published and go through so many rounds of revision for that reason).
I love Vivian Gornick and Rick Rubin — and I completely love his advice to write without blinders (but then publishing, I’ve learned, is a different matter).
Thanks, Jill, for your always wonderful thoughts. I hope the New Year is treating you well!
Completely completely get this as I have pieces that I regret writing now. I think it is part of my evolution as a writer to care more about the writing than the judgment of others and I'm still working on it. I also struggle with writing pieces that involve other people, even when we are in the same situation. That sounds really specific but I am wanting to write a piece about a relative who was dear to me and upon the death of another relative, I learned a horrible thing about the first person. Balancing out my truth with other's judgment is a concern. Thanks for this very thoughtful piece.
Ah! This resonates with me so much. I am much more careful with my writing (or I try to be) whenever it involves other people. The stakes feel so much higher.
"If you want to do something safe and without risk, you won’t ever create anything meaningful."
Absolutely true. As soon as you do anything, you've given people something to criticize. So the safest thing to do if I want to be free from risk and rejection is never create.
I found Seth Godin's book, The Icarus Deception, helpful in addressing some of these fears and insecurities in my creative journey. Thanks for sharing and letting me learn from yours. 💛
I’m going to order this book from the library now! Thanks for this recommendation. :)
Relate to a lot of this (even the university I work for posting certain pieces that I didn’t realize they would pick up). I definitely just slow it down now and think about why I want to publish things. It takes me longer to get something out but I feel less regret about pieces than I did when starting out.
Yes -- I've also had to learn to just slow it down. Patience is the thing that helps me avoid regret (a tough lesson for me to learn).
Thanks for this, Anna!! I loved your reference to ERP and can totally relate. I actually feel called to write about one of my OCD themes -- the scariest one for me -- but I worry so, so much about how people will perceive it. Sharing my story publicly feels like the ultimate form of exposure. But I also wonder ... am I ready to share? How will I know when I've fully "processed" it? Glennon Doyle has talked about the difference between things that are private and things that are sacred. I'm honestly not sure what this one is ...
Anyway, I also wrote a few pieces for Conz in 2024 (and have another in the works!) and am so encouraged to hear that you've had success with other publications over such a short period of time! I have high hopes for 2025 :)
I love that discussion of the difference between the private and the sacred. And I also totally relate to the desire to write about mental health struggles, and the difficulty in knowing if that disclosure will be good for me. Time (and time away) from a draft is the biggest thing that has helped clarify those questions for me. Thank you so much for reading and for your kind comment!
Ha!! I was about to quote the same thing that Christa quoted. That was gold. This whole piece was. Thank you for sharing all of this. I relate so hard!!! Especially after putting "new boobs" in my subtitle as a joke yesterday that I don't think anyone got or made it to the very bottom of my newsletter to understand. I was laughing so much over it. It felt very "me" to do something like that, but the crickets were making me regret it until I read this. It very much aligns with my why to do something like that, so I should just own it, whether people get the joke or outwardly share their laughter with me or not.
THANK YOU!!!!
I thought your “new boobs” subtitle was great! I knew the joke was coming — and I could totally hear your voice. And I also very much relate to getting in my own head about a reference. Thanks for always being so encouraging, Brit!
Well THIS is encouraging! Thank you for sharing that. Keep going!!!
I have just started out with writing essays so I don’t really have any writer’s regret. Yet.
Being vulnerable is scary for me too, in person and in writing. I think it’s because I don’t want to get anything wrong, (not sure what it is I’ll get wrong), but yeah. This post is an encouragement, I just need to start.
I completely relate to the desire to “not get anything wrong.” I’ve long had a fear of saying something in writing — and then changing my mind (because I change my mind a lot). But that’s what human beings who are growing do. And it’s okay to document that process on the page (this is how I coach myself).
Thanks for your kind words and for reading!
Love this idea of not being too precious, exposure therapy, and resisting restraint (see what I did there?) I do have a few regrets: one timely essay in a national outlet that became (at the editor's request) a mashup of two disparate topics (the piece, also turned around within hours made no sense whatsoever) and another where I kind of regretted the outlet itself (Indeed: it folded very quickly) Mostly, I've had great experiences (and only a few vulnerability hangovers)
I totally see what you did! ;) I think that with increased wisdom and exposure, the vulnerability hangovers decrease (at least, that’s what I’m hoping for myself). :)
One of the first things I wrote here was about the vulnerability hangover, that intense regret you get after sharing something personal, and why I was going to write, anyway. In hindsight, I think I was trying to convince myself it was okay (exposure therapy, maybe?) and I love your thoughts around connecting it to your greater why. Cheers to navigating the murky waters of oversharing vs. sharing just enough!
Thank you for this kind reply! Yes -- cheers to navigating those murky waters!
Love this! Thank you, Anna, There is one essay I should regret publishing that went viral with over a million views. Even with thousands of hateful comments and family members not talking to me, I just can’t bring myself to regret this piece, because it also made thousands of people feel seen and not alone. We write to not only help understand ourselves, but also to help others do the same. I won’t let someone’s hurt ego stop me from doing what I believe is right.
I love this perspective, Andrea, about not regretting something that had some “bad” outcomes — because alongside that, so much good happened too. This is wonderful! Thanks for sharing.
Thanks so much for sharing this, Anna. I've been reading your newsletter for a bit and really appreciate your honesty in this writing journey, especially the details like the actual pitch letter and the payment. It's like nothing else I've seen anywhere, so helpful and useful and generous to share. I'm sorry this one piece is one you wish you hadn't published. As you say, "If you want to do something safe and without risk, you won’t ever create anything meaningful. " I have the same desire to protect myself, bu that often means I simply avoid writing altogether, which is not an ideal outcome wither. I have a sign on my wall by artist Lisa Congdon that says "Every Mistake is Progress." I try to take that to heart, but it's hard!
For writer self-care practices, I wonder about countering the negative voices with the positive. Our minds naturally go to the negative, naturally hold onto them longer; research shows we have negative bias. What if you printed out many of the notes of gratitude you've likely received over the past few years, and made that front and center in your writing spot? I wonder if having it visible would help tilt the tendency of the inner voice and rewrite the narrative. Just a thought — please ignore if it's not useful!
This is so incredibly kind, Brianne. Thank you for such encouragement. And I absolutely love the idea of putting the kind words of others on immediate display so that when my mind (which absolutely does veer toward the negative) goes to dark places, I can find encouragement from others. This is such a smart, thoughtful idea.
I appreciate you reading so much! Thank you for this uplifting comment.
I’ve certainly regretted pieces I’ve written that I wouldn’t write today, or that I’d have a more thoughtful and self-reflective approach to. But I find time and patience with more of an ability to pause before I write something especially personal and let it bake more, has been useful. And not every experience has to be mined and made public.
I go back to Vivian Gornick a lot. Cheryl Stayed has written a lot about her creative choices to write or not write about an experience. But then there’s Rick Rubin counterbalancing this with his advice to put on blinders and just create.
Thanks for the great piece to start the New Year.
Yes, absolutely — time and patience is something that is so important (I’m grateful that books take so long to be published and go through so many rounds of revision for that reason).
I love Vivian Gornick and Rick Rubin — and I completely love his advice to write without blinders (but then publishing, I’ve learned, is a different matter).
Thanks, Jill, for your always wonderful thoughts. I hope the New Year is treating you well!
Completely completely get this as I have pieces that I regret writing now. I think it is part of my evolution as a writer to care more about the writing than the judgment of others and I'm still working on it. I also struggle with writing pieces that involve other people, even when we are in the same situation. That sounds really specific but I am wanting to write a piece about a relative who was dear to me and upon the death of another relative, I learned a horrible thing about the first person. Balancing out my truth with other's judgment is a concern. Thanks for this very thoughtful piece.
Ah! This resonates with me so much. I am much more careful with my writing (or I try to be) whenever it involves other people. The stakes feel so much higher.